Linda Sapadin, Can Men and Women Be Friends?, No Limits magazine

When my son Glenn was asked by a reporter what he thought of his mother being an advice columnist, he replied: “My mum giving advice is like the Cookie Monster being paid to eat cookies. She’s a natural!”

As I reflected on his words, I realized what a long way I’ve come – from being a frightened child – unable to speak up about anything - to being an inspirational psychologist who knows what makes people tick and who delights in sharing my knowledge.

As time has gone on, I’ve developed a unique style of giving advice. I avoid quick quips that trump complexity, such as “dump your boyfriend” or “quit your complaining” and I shun an elitist approach that assumes that you should listen to me because I know how you should live your life.

Instead, my writing style respects the complexity of people’s lives, offering them the skills, knowledge and wisdom that they need to enhance their living. I seek to inspire readers to become more enlightened, empowered and enthusiastic people.

The topics I write about are widespread. They include:

* Personal Growth – How to become empowered (no more feeling like a victim!)

* Enhancing Communication – For people to “get” you, you often need to enhance your communication skills.

* Enriching Intimate Relationships — We fall in love; love is blind. Eventually we regain our sight; then what?

* The Art of Parenting — Parenting is more art than science. But like art, we need to acquire the skills to become true pros.

* How to Deal With Difficult People — Fasten your seat belts; you may be in for a bumpy ride as you learn the complex skills needed to deal with difficult personalities.

* How People Change — Knowledge is only the first step. Overcoming resistance is the second. Learn how to help yourself through the change process.

I’d like to share with you an abbreviated version of one of my favorite articles.

This one is entitled Can Men and Women Be Friends?

There are those who say ‘No’. Heterosexual men and women can‘t be true friends. Blame the hormones! Attribute it to jealousy from a spouse. Point the finger at the predatory nature of men (and aggressive women) who “want only one thing”. Or simply remember that men and women come from different planets and interplanetary friendships have never worked.

Despite the naysayers, what does the research show and what do the experts say? Since I am one of the experts (this was my dissertation topic), I’d like to share my findings with you.

In Jane Austen’s time, when men and women lived in separate worlds, their primary attraction to each other was romantic or sexual. In today’s world, however, men and women live, work and play together. They are fellow students, colleagues, committee members, bridge partners, and more. This cultural shift has created a new norm in which people generally keep their sexual involvement and friendships separate.

Do some friendships turn into romantic relationships? Yes. And thank goodness for that; it’s been the beginning of many a great marriage. Issues, however, may become challenging when friends are not on the same page with the nature of their friendship or when the friendship becomes threatening to the committed relationship.

So, when you’ve got a challenge in life, what do you do? Do you give up, saying this is just too difficult, confusing, or baffling for me? Or, being the wise person you are, do you deal with the challenge?

Here are some guidelines on how to deal with the challenge:

DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP – All friendships, even same-sex ones, have ambiguous and changing boundaries. It can be a shock to you when you view Joan as a good friend and her behavior indicates to you that she views you as no more than a “tennis buddy”. With cross-sex friendships, the ambiguous boundaries can be even more hazy. So, take the time to define the relationship – both in your head and in a discussion with the other person.

DEALING WITH THE ATTRACTION – Let’s say one or both of you do feel a physical attraction to the other. Will that doom the friendship? Or can you learn to live with it? Is there such a thing as harmless flirtation? Innocent sexual bantering? Sexual attraction without the desire to act on it? We too often make the mistake of looking for purity in relationships. Some believe that the only workable cross-sex friendship is between two homely, asexual people – a nerd and a nun. Stop fooling yourself. You can be attracted to your friend and choose not to make that attraction the essence of your relationship. Why? The short answer: because you are more than your hormones.

DEALING WITH OTHERS’ FEELINGS – Other people, particularly spouses/committed partners, may feel threatened by your cross-sex friendship. Do not discount their feelings. If the shoe were on the other foot, you’d probably feel the same way. It is your responsibility to work to integrate the friendship in some manner into your committed relationship Try including your spouse in on the friendship, either by all of you getting together at times or by not keeping the relationship secret or apart from the rest of your life. ###

Visit Linda's website: http://www.drsapadin.com