Issue 21, September 7,
2009 — Guy
Finley, New Freedom from Self-Defeating Behavior
In this issue:FEATURE: Dr John F. Demartini, Read and Write Your GoalsSusan Payton, Making Sense of Marketing Guy Finley, New Freedom from Self-Defeating Behavior Joseph O'Connor, Self-Appreciation Lorraine Roe, Your Innate Abilities Ton Pascal / Sharon Elaine, Affirmations Wider Screenings, Taking Charge of One's Destiny EventsReviewsEarlier issues
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New Freedom from Self-Defeating
Behavior by Guy Finley
angel has two wings. On each of these wings is written one of these two
words: YES and NO. As we are about to learn, these two simple words
represent special principles that are the wings of spiritual freedom.
instance, we must learn to say YES to self-study, prayer, meditation
and contemplating God’s great restorative powers. Can you think of
other places in your days where learning to say YES to life would help
you go higher? For just one example, how about saying YES to those
parts of you that know nothing good can come out of judging others for
their mistakes, let alone jumping all over yourself!
we must learn to say NO to those unconscious parts of ourselves that
want us to believe that the way our lives have gone is the only way
they can go. We must say NO to the lies this lower nature throws at us
when it tells us we will lose ourselves if we end that destructive
relationship we had been deceived to live in. The truth is it won’t be
our life that comes to a close as we walk away from what we now see
never worked. No! What will begin to die is the dark nature whose will
we had done, because it cannot live in the light of our new wish and
inner work to be free.
To help you strengthen the spiritual
YES in you, learn to put Truth first, last, and always in your life.
This grand YES will grow to have greater and greater meaning to you as
you put it into practice. To give you one instance, always say YES to
being ruthlessly honest with yourself about yourself. It doesn’t matter
where you are or what you are doing, you can always come awake to
yourself and remember the truth that there is no truth that is bad for
you to know. This knowledge, coupled with your active wish to be free,
outweighs any fear that may pop up in you as you observe yourself this
way. This remembrance is like liquid gold. It enriches the right parts
of you each time you can be aware of yourself through this Aim.
equally important to taking on this task of saying YES is our inner
work of recognizing when and where to say NO. We must never allow
ourselves to forget that there are many sleeping parts of ourselves
that secretly feel good while they get us to do wrong!
No form of externalized codependent behavior can exist or exhibit
itself without some unseen character at work within us providing it the
right conditions it needs for its foul life to flourish. With this in
mind, here are some common codependent areas where we all ache (often
without knowing it) because we fail to stay awake:
“peace” with people who would punish us: There are parts of us that
would rather be punished by unkind people than have to spend one minute
being alone by ourselves, because the only way these same parts in us
can exist is if they have someone to resent or somehow fear. In this
case we remain in these ruinous relationships because the fear or
emptiness we feel in even considering leaving them is felt to be too
much to bear on our own. Here’s the Key to escaping this captivity:
This fear that we experience does feel real, no doubt; but it belongs
to an imagined self. Collecting and then consciously cultivating this
new knowledge of ourselves points the way out if we will walk with its
truth in our hand.
To begin, walk away from anyone who “helps”
you to feel that it is necessary to hurt; leave anyone who causes you
pain for “your own good”. Here’s the rule to remember: Never make peace
outwardly — or inwardly — with anyone or any psychological state that
punishes you. Say NO and go! A whole new and independent life awaits
2. Blaming others: Whenever
we allow angry parts of us to cast blame upon others for the conditions
we find ourselves in, we enable the sleeping nature within us to stay
in its dream that if it weren’t for others doing us wrong we would
never be so upset and angry, defeated or depressed. The truth is there
are unconscious parts of us that readily find fault with others in a
misguided effort to remain infallible in their own eyes. Each time we
blame someone else we agree to remain asleep in this misery-making
mistaken identity. Saying NO to this nature is saying goodbye to a host
of imagined enemies this false self needs to remain itself, as well as
to a war that can never be won.
3. Complaining about your
life: The self that looks out at life and complains about what it sees
cannot see that if it weren’t for a false picture it holds of how
things should be, connected with the mistaken sense of self created by
clinging to this picture, it wouldn’t have anything to be negative
about. The more this nature compares what life isn’t to its own idea of
imagined happiness, the more it complains, and the more complaints it
makes, the more real it feels. Say NO to this codependent negative
nature by learning to choose consciousness over resentfulness.
speed your journey to freedom from all forms of codependent
relationships, it is very helpful to make a list of areas in your life
where you find yourself aching for one reason or another. To get you
started with this special study of yourself, I have made a short list
of suspect places where we tend to fall into wrong relationship with
those around us, or with our own familiar thoughts and feelings.
We are in unconscious codependent relationships with others whenever we
1. Meddling in the lives of others or allowing others to tinker with
2. Gossiping about anything, but especially taking part in denigrating
others we know and otherwise associate with.
Standing around and spreading any form of “gloom and doom” either in a
casual conversation or in the confines of our own thoughts.
4. Agreeing with the hatred of anyone else for any other person, group,
Taking part in any form of a dark inner dialogue with ourselves about
some imagined enemy or otherwise unwanted circumstance.
6. Allowing others to make their problems our own so that we have to
carry the weight of their discontentment.
Entertaining any thoughts from any source — be they from within
ourselves or coming from those outside of us — telling us that our life
is without meaning.
What should be clear now is that we have
to do a special kind of inner work if we wish to catch and cancel
self-harming codependent behavior. It’s not enough to just talk about
achieving a good, contented life. Anyone can talk about that, and most
do. Few will really do the interior work it takes to be free, which is
why we must be different.
We must learn what it means to put
the Truth of ourselves before all things. When we will strive to do
this one thing, then little by little we will attract to ourselves a
higher strength that has no problem saying NO to what has never cared
for us. This new NO then becomes a YES to self-wholeness, the secret
source of the happiness we have been seeking in all the wrong places.
(an excerpt from Beyond
Dependency, The Death of Addiction an e-book
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